[NGOBROL] Feeling So Blue

I'm not a strong brave hearted mom.

My wall of defense collapses whenever i saw my baby sick.

This morning when i looked that "help me, mom look" frm my baby, and i couldn' t do anything but carried her in my arms, for that minutes that ticked away, my whole world seemed to stop. My wall of defense was collapse.

This morning my baby got fever and she almost got another convulsion attack which she already had when she was 5 months old. Almost. I wasn't sure. When you hug your crying baby in your arms and she began to almost like spasm and she looked at you hoping you could help her from suffer, what would you do? All i could do was driving my mind to act normal as i could and decided to call taxi urging them to pick us up quickly to hospital.

When i recall the memory, this morning felt like a horor scene for me. Alone in the house with my sick baby and didn't know what to do or where to go or someone to run to. Cause my husband left for work.

At this point, i really lost my confidence of being a though mom for my baby. I am not though at all. I am weak whenever i see my baby sick, sad, and cry. I can't stand to touch her warm forehead whenever she got fever. I can't stand to hear her cry whenever she feels uncomfortable. I can't stand to look at her face, her eyes whenever she cry frm her sick. I just can't stand all of that sad thing. I even think that i'm not ready yet to live in separate house (town) from my parent. I even think i don't have that much strength to take care my baby with my own hand. I do need help. I do need to be around with my family.

This decision of living independence with husband and my baby in different town from our family sounds too much from me right now. While i used to be excited at first with this idea. With the pressure on me to be able doing the house hold stuffs, cooking, and taking care my baby by my own. It's just too much for me at the moment. Especially when i have to take care my sick baby alone. I can't stand.

But still i am gratefull for this things happened to me,

Alhamdulillah that Allah still protect my baby. Alhamdulillah that i have aunt lives in the same neighborhood so i can ask her to accompany me to hospital. Alhamdulillah that husband left some cash so i can pay the taxi and hospital bill. Alhamdulillah that my baby getting well now. Alhamdulillah that my baby sleeping well by my side right now.

Dear baby girl, on this day mom want to say : HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY KISSANIYA ASHA LAVENDA. I love you more than i can imagine. You are my precious gift from Allah. I want to protect you. I want to love you. I want you to be healthy, sholeha, happy for the rest of your life. I'm sorry if i can't be a good mother for you. But trust me, i'm working so hard for it.

I love you, baby. So much..

XOXO